Who said all Judges were out of touch!

Sir Nicholas Wall, President of the Family Division and therefore the most senior Family Court Judge in England and Wales gave a speech this week in which he warned parents against using their children as “the battlefield and ammunition” in their battle with their ex spouse.

Oh, if only his speech could be printed out in foot-high letters and stuck up on the wall of my office, or better still, perhaps all divorcing and separating parents should be made to listen to the whole speech at the start of the separation process and to be reminded of it several times during the process.

How many times have I listened to mothers who feel themselves perfectly justified in preventing contact between their children and their ex-partners because the partner has not paid the maintenance this month, or to fathers who feel they are justified in not paying maintenance because “she stopped contact just to be spiteful”.

Of course judges only see cases that come before them when the parents have been unable to solve their disputes, so they see the worst side of people. The majority of divorcing parents manage to sort out a reasonable way of living that involves acceptable residence and contact arrangements. However, even in cases that don’t come to court, we see a huge number of parents who make threats to withdraw contact simply because they see that as a weapon against the ex-spouse. They do not see the harm that this does to the children.

As Sir Nicholas said: “Many parents make matters worse by their disputes over their children …

Disputes over contact between absent parents and their former partners are rarely about the children concerned …

Far more often, the parties are fighting over again the battles of the relationship …”

Those of us who advocate Collaborative Practice sometimes suggest that Family or Relationship Counsellors should be brought in at an early stage so that families can be helped to come through the trauma of divorce with as little impact as possible on all the members of the family, especially the children.

If more couples could be made to see the harm they are doing to their children by using them as ammunition against each other, a lot less would be spent on legal fees and a lot fewer children would be damaged. And maybe we would not feel the temptation to bang our client’s heads together so often.