 Don't Tell The Little Ones
 Suzy Hamshaw When parents have difficulties in their relationship with one another, the natural instinct is to hide the situation from the children. Suzy Hamshaw, a family lawyer at Charles Lucas & Marshall says it is therefore little wonder that research shows that children are often the last ones to know when their parents separate.
Research from the Joseph Rowntree Foundation shows children cope better with the trauma of a family separation if they are kept informed. If they are unsure of what is going on, children can apparently become confused and start to blame themselves for the separation.
Young children especially tend to blame themselves for their parent leaving and often believe that it was their behaviour that drove the parent away. This situation needs to be handled very carefully by both parents to ensure the child realises that it is not their fault but an issue between the parents and that both parents still love the child.
Often the parents take very difficult decisions about the living arrangements following a separation - with no consultation with the children. The Joseph Rowntree Foundation found that it is clear that children and young people do have opinions about these major changes in their lives, and in situations where court processes are involved, it is increasingly understood that children's wishes should be taken into account'.
However, this is different from expecting the child to take decisions themselves or on their own. A child's ability to express their opinions and to be involved in the decision making process largely depends on their age and level of maturity. A teenager, for example, will often ‘vote with their feet' and arrange their lives themselves around their friends and hobbies, meaning that parents will have to fit around these activities and need to be very flexible.
It is very hard for all separating parents to deal with the conflicting pressures on them. On the one hand there is the need to keep the child informed so that they are not scared or insecure and feel involved in the decision making process.
On the other hand however, all parents have to be careful not to over involve their children. There is a very real danger that children can be dragged into the arguments between the parents or used as emotional crutches or advisors. This is a difficult balancing act which parents will need to perform together.
Throughout this time of turmoil, the Joseph Rowntree Foundation has found that children rarely confide in their parents. They think this is probably because of the knowledge that the parents are also in distress and so children do not want to overburden them. Their research has shown that grandparents and friends are very important figures during this time. This support is needed in a variety of ways from being able to talk about their feelings with somebody, to simply being distracted and removed from the situation for a while.
At Charles Lucas and Marshall we understand the issues faced by parents separating and the desire to act in the best interests of the children. We are committed to adopting an amicable and conciliatory approach, allowing parents to reach agreements together for the benefit of the whole family.
For more information contact Suzy Hamshaw on 01635 521212 or suzy.hamshaw@clmlaw.co.uk
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